My late morning and early afternoon was spent moping around, trying to read, going for a walk that went nowhere, and eating random shit I made. I was having trouble just being. My future and time itself were weighing down on the back of my neck and I didn't much feel like being conscious. I was contemplating my summer plans, experiencing the lack of certainty therein as a visceral void behind my eyeballs. I, of course, got to extrapolating, and entered a new level of despair when my uncertainty in the near future transmigrated into the expansive world of my life ahead of me. There the uncertainty really came into full bloom and become full blown depression. What to do, what to do....
I ended up moping around until quarter to five, when I had to rush out to work. I wasn't looking forward to the night shift, but the boss left mad early and the night progressed rather smoothly. Somehow pretending to be affable and levelheaded in front of coworkers and customers made me forget my shit for a while and actually become jovial for a spell. I felt quite good, laughing, joking, making fun of customers, sneaking a beer into the ice-bin for myself after work (mmmm, wit bier!).
Anyway, work ended and the masquerade became reality again, and anew I felt unsure of everything. To a lesser degree, to be sure. Work had helped with my mood, but the "facts" remained.
I was riding my bike home (after hanging out with some friends from work and having a brew) when I ran into another friend from work who had gotten another job and now only worked weekends, so I hadn't seen him. We got to chatting, about work and his tiny tiny little dog named Kong (korean for "bean") and about the summer/plans. I loosely related my troubles, for as anyone who knows me will tell you, I loathe expressing my sorrows unto anyone's listening ear....just a character trait of mine. But I hinted at some distress about wanting to travel over the US and how I really wanted to make the journey into Japan to see my girlfriend, my cousin who oddly enough would be there, and the gorgeous country.
My friend, being from Japan, instantly put forth an offer that vindicated the entire day and served as another example of proof for my own personal form of god (not my bowels). Of all the random and infinite turn of events possible in even the simple act of riding home, this one happens. This one possibility makes the leap into actuality and in doing completely helps me out of a pretty big bind. Thank you whoever or whatever you are, or if you be not addressable by a substantive then I entrust my thanks to the wind and pray they reach ears.
You see, I wanted to travel to Japan, and I had enough $ for the flights, but I had very little for the stay. I would possibly staying in a hotel, motel, hostel, whatever I could get. I wanted to stay for a good bit of time, but I didn't want to return to the US with no financial cushion (cowardly? maybe). So I was hemming and hawing over the trip, but my friend came out of the shadows behind his apartment building like a shining knight with a Chihuahua steed of onyx hue and noble birth! He offered me a place to stay in japan. Two actually! One with his brother about 30mins outside of Tokyo, and one with his good friend who lives right smack in the heat of Tokyo. I find out tomorrow what they say, but he assured me that it is part of his culture that a friend of a friend is welcome, always and for no reason other than the loose bond of friend's friend. how fucking cool.
so my day became, in one quick moment of conversation, a momentous and inspiring day. I ended up being so happy that I stayed up til 5am (the whole afternoon I was inexplicably -in physical, not mental terms - drowsy). Just goes to show, even if it only shows itself to me, that you can slave away at a dreary existence and keep on in the face of the insurmountable and grim and someday, somehow, the clouds will break and a beam of solar consideration will bear itself upon you in the most curious and unforeseen fashion.
.... Change.
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